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CONTRARY to popular opinion, Skegness is not located in, or anywhere near Scotland. It’s actually situated on the East coast of England in the County of Lincolnshire, a full six hour drive South of the Borders. The Roman's didn’t bother building a road to it and the Vikings sailed straight past (mainly due to the tide being so far out), for civilisation and Britain's railway network, Skegness is quite literally the end of the track.

SKEGNESS’ most infamous landmark is its pier, or lack of it. Strong winds, high seas and a particularly vicious fire destroyed the Victorian theatre and most of the structure that dared to trespass into the cold North Sea. Nothing was ever repaired or replaced, and the half that remains, remains open. An iron fence was erected to prevent small children falling off the end and onto this was bolted a coin operated telescope, pointing towards holidaymakers having a better time, across the Wash in Hunstanton, Norfolk.

IN July and August, temperatures can soar into the high twenties, on par with Southern France and Spain, but even this will not persuade some of the pensioners to part with their winter coats. The inadequate roads leading to the resort often come to a complete standstill, unable to cope with the tens of thousands of caravans, being towed by Ford Cortinas at thirty miles per hour. Bicycle becomes the fastest mode of transport for locals in a hurry.

FISH and chips, the national dish of England can be found in abundance. As can amusement arcades, bingo halls and shops and stalls selling plastic buckets, spades and inflatable boats, the latter keeping the local branch of the Royal National Lifeboat Institution in full time employment over the summer months.

I WOULD heartily recommend anyone interested in visiting the town to do so between October and March, when the arcades and candyfloss stalls have closed down, the illuminations have been switched off and most of all, the beer-bellied, string vested visitors who flock in their thousands, have gone home.